What a short summer it has been.
I made the Dean’s list for the winter semester 2019 at the local community college. What an amazing goal accomplished. I’m still so far away from my collegiate dreams.
With losing my one job back in spring, due to single mom woes, I was struggling to find work again.
Until, a good friend proposed a new gig… I jumped aboard and “should have known better” (-Sufjan Stevens).
I am beyond grateful for the opportunity. I learned some, was able to pay for a handful of living expenses, as well as move out into a bigger space. However, things just didn’t work out. So, I’m back at square one. Desperate for work. Scared shitless, to be quite frank.
It has now been three years since leaving my unhealthy 9 year relationship. It has now been three years of true single motherhood. No abusive partner to help me out when I just can’t. What a rollercoaster of every emotion fathomable. I’m not so tired today. I am confident. I believe in myself. I know what I deserve. Sure, I want to cry my brains out… but not tonight. Tonight is the eve before the first day of school. My youngest, 4, is not looking forward to it. My eldest, 7, is stoked as all get out.
I’m doin’ something right.
But, life is so weird. And single motherhood can be so fucking lonely.
I had a nightmare last night. My ex showed up, wanting me back. Making promises to me, “I will be here for you, I will give you space to heal.” We even had sex. It was horrible. And as the tears stroll down my face as I type this, I feel so nauseated at the thought of ever being that close to him again.
I remember him bearing witness to me healing. He couldn’t stand it. He wouldn’t support it. Ultimately, I now know this is why we could not continue to be together.
To be the mother I am today, I would need to do some vigorous healing work.
Three years ago, I would jump on the first train of love. I would continue to be distracted. I would bounce around the ideas of healing, but continue to numb my pain through substances.
And then, my adoptive father killed himself. I spiraled down after that. As if all the drama my ex continued to bring about wasn’t enough.
I still want to find a “Survivors of Suicide” group. That shit is just something else. No one can say anything to bring any bit of comfort. The only thing that has happened is my sense of humor got darker. Thanks Dad.
Feels good to write, I know, I’m all over the place. Since moving, my home is in the same state of affairs. I threw out a lot of furniture. Unfortunately, still have everything those pieces held.
A few more weeks of “summer” left, I suppose.
Kayaked yesterday. Lovely. Love being in the water and in nature. Nothing can replace it…
until next time, friends.